Monday, September 22, 2014
Wednesday, September 10, 2014
Monday, September 8, 2014
When I lost my first baby, my good friend was there for me when I needed her. She seemed to know what to do because she'd lost her first babies- twins. A couple months later I asked if it was hard for her to come help me. She said it was, but she knew I needed her. Also, she said that someday I would have a friend who lost a baby, and they would need me.
A little over a year ago, a girl I used to babysit lost her first baby. I hadn't been in touch with her for a long time, but my sister got us reconnected, and I tried to help, but there's only so much you can do online. I thought, okay, here's the person I know that lost a baby, I did what I could.
Then very recently, a friend I've known for years, a really good friend, lost a baby. I thought, this is really what my other friend meant. When it's someone you know really well it is even harder. I cried for her and her loss, but some of the tears were for me and my loss as well, almost four years later.
The feelings of loss and sadness, the anxiety, the loss of hope come back. But it's multiplied because of her loss too. I knew what she was probably feeling, and it hurts to know that someone you love is hurting so much. There's not much I can do for her except to show my love and support by letting her know I'm here for her. I can give her advice, and I have let her know some things that helped me, but the best I can do for her is to give her a hug.
Oddly, even if you've been through something before, it doesn't mean you know what to say to the next person. Every situation is different and every person is different.
There are some things I'd like her to know:
Time will help heal your heart. There will still always be a huge wound, and it probably will never truly close, but it does heal a little, though it will always hurt. It's not that you forget your baby or stop loving them, it's that you've adjusted to the wound, you've found a new normal where you can deal with everyday life without breaking down all the time, just sometimes.
You will be happier again. The sadness and grief won't always overwhelm your life, but it's good that it is now. Grieving is a good thing. People will probably expect you to 'get over it'. They will expect you to move on and be 'normal' sooner that you are ready. Ignore them and do what is best for you. People will give you lots of advice on how to get better, but the only way you'll get better is time and doing what's best for you and your family. Advice from a trusted therapist is helpful, advice from the cranky lady at the grocery store or the busy body uncle is not.
It's okay to be mad at God and at your pregnant neighbor. The world doesn't seem fair, and honestly I don't think it is fair. Somehow it's all supposed to balance out in the end, but it's not the end yet. My good friend told me that being mad at God is like being mad at your parents growing up. You still loved them, but you could be really mad at them too. God understands and can take anything you throw at him and turn it into love. As far as your friends and neighbors, you'll probably be happy for some people and their children but really dislike other people and their children. That's normal.
People will say stupid things, sometimes intentionally, but usually unintentionally. Find someone who will let you vent and then try to let it go, though you probably will always remember.
You'll always feel the presence of you child around, during the happy times and the sad times. There's a shadow in the corner of your eye of a happy, laughing child running around. You'll know how old they would be if they were alive, what they would probably look like, what they would be doing. Your child will always be around, if not in your arms, in your heart. It hurts, but it helps to know you won't ever forget.
Mostly I want you to know that if I can help you, I will. I love you and I'm here for you. I've been there before and sometimes just knowing someone is thinking of you is the best thing they can do.
Saturday, September 6, 2014
Thursday, September 4, 2014
The year after I graduated from high school, my mom and I were talking with a young mother who had two girls, about ages 6 and 3. She said that she taught the oldest to turn on the TV and get breakfast for her and her sister when they woke up. This way she could sleep in past six in the morning.
I thought that was so lazy and how could she not get up with her girls! I can't remember what my mom thought about it, probably a little surprised because my mom never did that, but probably understanding.
Now I'm a mom of an almost 2 1/2 year old and 3 month old, and it is seriously tempting to do the same thing! She almost knows how to work the remote anyways, and she gets snacks out of the pantry when she's hungry already.
When I was married about six months, no kids, a guy told me his wife and new daughter slept until ten in the morning every day. My alarm was going off at 5:30 am to go to work back then, so 10 am sounded practically lazy.
Little did I know that once I had my daughter a year and a half later, by sleeping till 10 am, he must have forgotten to mention that his wife had gotten up at midnight, three, and six in the morning to feed the baby first and then slept till ten and then fed the baby again.
As much as I thought I knew about what raising children would be like, I could never know until I actually raised children what it's like. I have a new parenting perspective. I have more understanding and sympathy when I see other parents working hard to take care of children.
Some people talk about how people for centuries didn't have TVs, washing machines, microwaves, and cars, and they raised ten kids each, and they survived. But I say you'd have a lot of trouble finding one of those parents back then who would not take a washing machine and a car! There's a reason that so many people have TVs and microwaves, and it's because they are nice and helpful. Don't feel bad for using them, you're lucky to have them!
at 5:12 PM
|What do you think?|
Monday, September 1, 2014
Sometimes I look in the mirror and think, "Wow, I look really pretty!" Other times I look in the mirror and think, "Do I really look like that? I don't feel like that."
My brain sees myself as a beautiful person, physically and mentally. I picture myself thinner with better looking hair, so when I see the chubbier person with messy hair, it's a little surprising sometimes.
I've known some very special people who just seem to glow, and it's not because of their bronzer, it's because of their beautiful personality. They look beautiful because their insides are shining through, and they make me feel beautiful.
In Jr. High we had an assignment to pick one defining characteristic we wanted to be remembered for after we were dead. I thought hard and picked kindness. I still want that. I want to be the person that makes others feel good. I want to be the person that leaves other people smiling, not because I'm funny or funny looking, but because I helped them see the good in themselves.
Another word I use now is charity. Charity in a spiritual not monetary sense. True charity is pure love. I want to have the ability to love and accept people. I want to not judge them before I get to know them, or after. I want to uplift people, not leave them with bad feelings.
I love myself, and I know people love me, and I've felt the love and acceptance of family, friends, and strangers. That makes me feel beautiful. I want to pass that feeling on to others so they can feel beautiful and others will see their beauty too.
Acting beautifully is a way to change the world. Put good out and good will return to you. You have the power to change the world with kindness and charity. You'll probably never know that you helped change the world, but you'll keep on giving out good because it feels good, it feels beautiful.