Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Scar Tissue

I have some scar tissue on my right arm. Blood has been drawn countless times from the same vein at the same spot in my elbow with the pregnancies and hospital stays. I can usually feel it, but sometimes I can even see it. It's a reminder of my pregnancies and how hard we fought emotionally for our kids.

My husband was talking to someone on the phone today, and I overheard him saying that I have a high-risk pregnancy, which is true. The doctor has told me all my pregnancies will be considered high-risk, but hearing my husband say that made me wonder what the person thought.

Before we had problems, the following words scared me: high-risk, pre-eclampsia, toxemia, etc... I didn't even know HELLP Syndrome existed or I would have been scared of that too. Now that I've had HELLP Syndrome, pre-eclampsia doesn't scare me like it used to. I have a been-there-done-that-probably-do-it-again attitude towards it. Magnesium sulfate to prevent seizures (eclampsia)- yeah, it's nasty stuff, had it both times, I can handle it. Getting poked with needles every two weeks for months, then every week, then every four hours in the hospital- I can do that.

I've built up an emotional scar tissue for certain pregnancy issues. It's harder to push that needle into my arm. I see pre-eclampsia as something I'd rather have than HELLP Syndrome. Some people would call it jaded.

But honestly, in the quiet moments of the night when I'm chewing on tums for my acid reflux, it scares me. When it comes down to the moment when the doctor tells us, "You need to go to the hospital now. We're going to have to induce you because you are sick," it's a scary moment and there is no peace until that baby comes out.

So I put on a jaded facade because of my emotional scar tissue, but I'm still getting poked with an emotional needle that's taking my life blood with it.

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