Beautiful Heartbreak

I used to babysit a particular family a lot when I was younger, and they were really fun to babysit. I taught them to play Monopoly, an easy kid friendly version. They taught me about Dragon Tales, I still get the song stuck in my head sometimes.

Earlier this year, I found out that the little innocent girl I used to babysit had lost her little baby. She and her husband were able to spend a few days with their little boy before he died. My heart hurt for the innocence I knew they lost that day, for the loss of their little boy.

I was able to connect back with her, and we shared our stories. Our hearts broke a little more for each other, but at the same time healed a little bit too.

She wrote the following blog post about her experience:

It's been 26 days since my beautiful baby boy was brought into the world. 

And 22 since he passed. 

I've made it through 22 days. 

 Sometimes I miss him so much it makes my heart ache and breathing seem difficult.

Everyone has moved on, I don't blame them.

They didn't know him like I did.

While life has gotten back to normal, in a way it hasn't.

I'm not the same. I'm completely changed.

But it's a good thing.

People ask, how are you? 

It's a valid question.

But I don't know how to reply.

"Good" just doesn't seem adequate.

"Ok" isn't accurate either.

I'm better then ok. I'm better then good, even.

But I'm still hurting.

My son has changed me.

Everything Jon and I do, our son is on our mind and in our hearts.

Instead of seeing life as stressful, or monotonous,

now I see it's just beautiful.

I try and see life through my sons eyes.

Every detail.

And the most beautiful part is the unseen.

What we don't see, but know is there.

And somehow this experience has brought me closer to the unseen.

"Prove you believe in things not of this world.." 

A feeling that came over me as I laid in a hospital bed and found out I would have to say goodbye to my son in this life.

Proving is a painful process. But it is also a rewarding one.

The whole experience, if I had to sum it up in one word, it would be:

Defining.

Every detail about the experience has defined my life.

Do I really know I will see him again?

Do I truly believe in an all powerful, and all knowing God?

Is the power of the atonement, unconditional?

And the answer?

The truth is, this experience caused me to question these things more then ever. 

I never doubted it. I just needed to be reminded, because so much was on the line. 

And now, I know it so much I can't imagine questioning it ever again.

This rings true in every detail of my life.

Before I make a choice, I think, what would my son think of me?

If he was watching, would he be proud to call me his mom?

I hope so.

And when I am tempted to complain or feel sorry for myself, I think of his tiny body on that table.

Fighting to be on this earth for just a little bit longer.

He was our little fighter.

Something he got from his daddy.

Guilt still tries to find it's way in sometimes.

But the what if's don't matter now.

He wasn't meant to stay. 

And even though I struggle everyday to accept that fact, I have managed to, for 22 days. 

No matter how many tears it requires, or how painful it is. 

I know he wasn't meant to stay. 

He is healed, and he is happy. 

And through tender mercies given by the Lord, I have come to know that my son knows I love him so much.

That brings more comfort then I thought possible,

       and more joy then I thought I was capable of feeling. 

It's a beautiful heartbreak.